READ: What To Do When You Feel Too Attracted To The New Sonic The Hedgehog

Words By: Guy Webster

Last week Universal released a trailer for a movie based on your favourite (or third, fifth, favourite) childhood character. Sonic the Hedgehog sprinted his way through our childhoods, collecting rings and fighting moustachioed villains left, right and centre. It was a stretch to imagine a film based on this classic game but here we are.

We’ve known about this upcoming contribution to the live-action trend for months now but it was still a surprise to find out…um…just how uncanny Sonic ended up being. Outside of that furry sub-culture which Tumblr still has a monopoly on, there hasn’t any anthropomorphised being this weird since Jason Bateman in Zootopia. And the folks at Universal knew exactly what they were doing. One of the first posters put us square in-between Sonic’s legs looking out over the San Francisco sky-line. But the trailer pushed this even further, giving Sonic what is basically a skin-tight hairy blue morph suit, with added human teeth and weird muscular calves. AH I feel dirty.

So if you’re struggling with this new-found sexy Sonic here’s our six step program:

  1. Scream

  2. Delete your history immediately. We’re not even American but I assume the FBI is sitting and laughing at every ‘Is Sonic Sexy?’ google search.

  3. Google images of real Hedgehogs. Hell, go one step further and watch YouTube videos of baby Hedgehogs to purify your mind.

  4. Probably tweet about it because you’re not alone in this uncanny reflection. You’re NOT ALONE.

  5. Cry a little.

  6. Think about the next childhood game that might beckon its own live-action nightmare. Oh no, Crash Bandicoot, no.

It seems even the guys over at Universal acknowledged the weird mind fuck that this new Sonic took us on because they’ve promised to revisit their animation of the blue fluff ball and remove it from uncanny valley.

Imagine if they just ended up making it even sexier?
Imagine.
DON’T IMAGINE!